>> 20050406
8:11 PM
down again... life's so full of ups and downs... feeling sad right now... firstly because of yesterday's incident... my match against sad, against some player whom i know i can beat convincingly and easily, i actually lost 1 set to him... i dunno wats up with myself yesterday, probably too arrogong or boastful, probably too tired from playing too frequently... so i played badly, made alot of mistakes, but above all tat, i won... isnt it all tat mattered? isnt winning everything, at least for the team, for the school? isnt the result more important than the sequence? haiz... i know i played badly, i am not happy with myself, but i really dun understand y i needed a good lecture from my teacher... i know what went wrong, yet my teacher scolded me like 'what the fuck were u doing? all the volleys and drops... all, everythings so predictable... u are not controlling the game...' yeayea... tats not all... it got better after our match... she went on to praise the c div for their bravery and fighting spirit, which landed them in the finals... and she compared us, even said we dun not have the hunger to win... and, and and... there's so much more she said... all going through my head... like 'what the heck, i dont mean to put u down but u know this isnt the standard... according to captain, we can achieve 3rd place, not tat the standards are milestone apart... if u r to continue like this, we are not going to get third...' yea tats wad she said and meant... i tink shes too ambitious, too greedy... i say, in the competition, as long as we do our best and have fun, its all that matters... life is but a journey, failure are but the roots to success... oh, rem this most clearly... she asked us, 'anything to say?' so captain and andy said we played quite well... then she turn to me lahz, and ask 'how abt me?' and i go 'huh'... then 'any apology??' ... tats it lahz... she tink she is world number 1 player... apology? dream ur ass on... even on the day u fat bitch manage to slim, rem this, i owe no one an apology, except myself... screw u... arrogant fucker... u owe ur retribution and name to us, ur players... and even so, the credits should go to our coach, not u! to me, u are just a name some mother of yours gave...
i am sad becoz of other things too... like my fren said, all things or everyone will leave u one day, so we shouldnt be too bothered, but just cherish whatever we have now... but im feeling all alone and lonely, i find my frenz somehow far away, like in a distant planet... communications with them is difficult, but i have to cherish everything now lest to regret later, but many things are not done or said... or there are times when i've wronged, but i dun find the time and chance to redeem myself... therefore its quite sad... i sure dun want the sadness to be eternal... maybe im just inexperienced and dunno how easy things may be resolved...
in the darkness, there are beams of light too... surely my friends and squash are in these light, but i hope they can glow brighter... wanna mention here tat i love my friends... all of them...