>> 20080830
12:09 AM
*headaches*
felt my head spinning out of control just now, as i was at paragon. it still is now. and i cant understand why. overworked perhaps? but highly unlikely. oh well.
been pretty confused lately. dunno what i should do or be doing. a part of me is dying to meet her, yet another part of me just restricts me from asking her out or ask her to ask for more freedom. a few weeks it has been. i feel like i no longer dare to ask her. it seemed to always end up in a stupid quarrel and someone has to make way. now, when i miss her, i felt helpless as well. i guess i dunno how to handle my emotions very well and i chose to escape, i think i had numbed myself to that feeling of missing her. sometimes i try to find other people to hang out with. i hope im not subconsciously trying to relish the feeling of being loved by someone by doing that. sometimes i try to find ways to keep my mind off her.
is it my fault this is happening? i really dunno what to do. it probably require a miracle to make things work right and smooth again. say whatever, i am unfeeling, i am indifferent, i am unloving, unromantic. but if the reverse is true, does it change anything? have i not done much for this relationship.
i know
on the surface people see me as a careless guy, without worries, wondering soul, complete slacker. i seem pretty good at telling people not to be so serious, chill, dont emo and stuff. but how about myself. haha. i think i am one of the most emo person i know. dang.
back to the point. i do cherish this relationship, i did try to make things work. but now, i am tired. i need directions. desperate yet too coward to do anything. i need a rush. somebody, please dont cut me.